Piggyback Strategise Pro Evo 5!

Like the title says, the glorious strategy guide makers Piggyback Interactive are making a guide for Pro Evo 5. Piggyback make wonderful, detailed, sexy, glossy, big, heavy, wonderful, wonderful books that rip apart games and tell you how to play them.

I just buy them because I like how they look on my shelf. I often look back at them when I've done a game and see if I missed anything.

Go look at their site, it is joyous. Or go buy one from the shops. Go on.

Joanna Dark Promotion Gets Shameless

Get your "LIMITED EDITION" Joanna Dark cover with EVERY FHM this month. They're calling her the perfect woman, created by man - they even told God to get lost. We dont understand how its limited or why, maybe it glows in the dark. It wont be as good as that Darth Vadar that came with Empire that kevin made into a wallet. Nothing is as good as that.



This issue is also featuring:
- a Limited Edition Paris Hilton that looks like she's been kidnapped by some ex Russian pedophile.
- a Limited Edition fake breasted Tara Reid caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, who not long ago actually looked good.
- a Limited Edition Isabella someone that we believe could be a lady, in multiple ways.

So in conclusion, a "girl overload" constitutes of two fake women, a woman of noble blood ( who may only be a torso, a head and arms if that picture is accurate ) and some woman / girl that cant smile and became famous because she was filmed conducting acts of an adult nature. (and looks like she's been tied up and forced into the photo shoot)

Unbeatable.

Exclusive: SPOnG is useless

Either that or they're trying to be funny and we just dont get it.
Lets look at the evidence:

1. They love writing stories about Gizmondo

2. They've hopelessly reported on the PSP downgrade that "hackers" have managed to come up with, but their image for the story is AN SD CARD. A double blow for Sony when they find SPOnG letting the community know the PSP is "hackable" once more AND they're promoting cards that work in a competitors machine - the Play Yan.

3. They talk focus on Itagaki's hate for Tekken. Whoopy. Hardly suprising. I havent got that much love for the series myself, the best bit was Tekken bowling in Tekken Tag, and only because you could knock that guy over in the crowd.

4. I'm not going to pick on the other story they've got up today, the Mana one. Apart from the fact they ask on the main page... BUT ARE THEY GOING TO BE RUBBISH? Erm, why? WHY?

5. They've got this feature about when shiggy went to New York the other day, how everyone is nerds and spong is cool bla bla pictures of people wearing xbox shirts at nintendo events hoho how naughty and gay. Also featuring comments about a fantasy involving black people and nintendo characters and nintendo memorabilia. The only good things about those pictures is that Shiggy is in them and some guy owns a power glove. The guy with a controller tied to his head just looks stupid. The best bit is in the forum, they've got pics of Reggie signing stuff too, he's great. I think whoever posts them tries to be funny too by calling everyone "nerds" and "jerks". Excellent work.


I could also pick at their grammer, but i already sound petty enough.
However, peace fills me once more as i realise that its spong, and none of this really matters. Back i go to my wonderful Jean Michel Jarre Aero album and its 5.1 aura, and oh look... a Whisper bar...

YODA GOES TO DAGOBAH!

Kevin its true!
The little bit out of the comic was right, the film was to show Yoda settling down on Dagobah with that "oh great" look on his face...


Then again i wouldnt be overjoyed either, those kids can't grow up quickly enough... and to think he'll die there. Bugger. Anyway this pic was stolen from aintitcool.com who stole it from someone else probably, theres other ones - Shak-Ti, (more famous for her role in the clone wars cartoon, running round after Grevious) gets bummed early on in the film.

Team Ninja's Itagaki Gets 1UP'd

Ooooh I like Team Ninja. Big fan of the Dead or Alive series, the volleyball one was inspired, and my big favourite is Ninja Gaiden. Having finished the game twice I have always wanted to go back and finish it with the other hurricane packs - i only got through the first one. I hope to be doing this when BLACK appears.

Anyway, the infinite wisdom of Team Ninja's big boos Itagaki is exposed on 1UP's latest interview and its great. In two pages they've managed to get more out of him than anyone has in any interview ever. We learn what Code Chronus is actually about, that Itagaki actually forgot it was called that and more confirmation than we ever needed that Ninja Gaiden 2 is in the works.

Good times are coming...

Actually I'm not going to end it there, I'm slightly angered by one thing he said. Rachel may not be in Ninja Gaiden 2, he doesnt want to limit his developers by forcing her into the game. I have 2 reservations about this, she had good jiggling potential and she dropped that bloody big hammer we could steal and kill things with.

Who's gonna jiggle and drop a hammer for us this time? Oooh, you could make me very happy by making Tina drop something and jiggle...


Even though its not mentioned in the article I like that Jaime Pressly is playing Tina in the film adaption of Dead Or Alive, I hope its like Mortal Kombat. HELL! Its even got Robin Shou from Mortal Kombat in it WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE FILMING MORTAL KOMBAT 3!
He's not typecast in anyway is he?

I wish was a woman for a day, then i could touch my knees with my breasts too.
Sigh. I'd never leave the house.

They've got an ACTUAL WRESTLER, Mr Big Sexy himself Kevin Nash to play Tina's Dad!
Lord knows why they've plucked Holly Valance to play white haired Christie, i'd have picked someone with white hair like Paul Bettany, however Holly Valance is better looking and its slightly reassuring that she's not dead.

Who else we got? That weird japanese lass from 2 Fast 2 Furious and Sin City playing Kasumi, that doesnt seem right either, she looks too evil, they shouldve had that lass from Crouching Tiger.

Oooh good casting choice is evil bint from Elektra that snogged Jennifer Garner and nearly killed her in the process. She's playing Ayanne so should get her own spinoff about how she got purple hair or be seen in a Ninja Gaiden movie which Ang Lee should not direct.

Excellent, that went on a lot longer than it should and probably stopped you from looking at that 1UP article we were talking about. Go there now or look for more pictures of Jamie Pressly, you wont be dissapointed.

Joanna Dark: Why She Can't Be Real

Because she's a videogame character who has a very strange "bio". The boys at Rare have sat down and said, nah these features aint gonna make launch, and instead have opted to write a bio about Joanna. She aint your ordinary desperate housewife and she's trying to live up to her father Jack, (yes another wannabe Bauer) who is a Bounty Hunter as much as his daughter is.

Whats interesting is that we've been given slight storyline hints here, she's not at the Carrington Institute, she's angry and not as skilled as she will be in the N64 version. We cant wait for that one.

Also whats this about her dad? He wasnt in the next game. (paradox alert)
He must die at the end then...

We're not going to post all of the bio because its not terribly interesting and every other site on the internet has it. What we have done instead is opted not to show you the hi res screenshot, but instead show the model of Joanna that everyone else neglected to.

Its a shame she cant be real, she'd make a good lesbian.

Hideous Starts Own Blog!

Our number one fan has decided to follow in our gracious footsteps and write HIS OWN BLOG.
Yes the one the only Hideous Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear series and pioneer of the Konami Revolutions.

BAD POINT: Thing is its in Japanese which is another language we dont understand but want to. IGN (who judging by their site have sold out to Marvel right now) have attempted translation but its likely they're in the wrong ball park. We believe he's talking about his wife's collection of antique trousers, and remember we are never wrong.

GOOD POINT: Its called HIDEOBLOG which is the best name ever made for anything. However we have decided to pronounce it as HIDE-O-BLOG.

We started his adventure and now his saga begins. KUDOS POINTS TO YOU MR KOJIMA!

Dont P.A.N.I.C.S

Ok unfortunately the title for this story isnt perfect, but I wanted to sound like one of those journalists that make clever titles out of the name of something we're talking about in the news. I could be even funnier and pretend everything ends with s, but i'm not going to because I am never going to be in the same humor league as them. THANK GOD.

The chaps who brought us Red Vs Blue and the Strangerhood have dipped their glorious toes into another game to express themselves with.

The game is none other than the upcoming, much hyped F.E.A.R which I looking forward to playing eventually.

The series is called P.A.N.I.C.S which stands for People Acting Normal In Crazy-Ass Situations. I've just watched the first ep, i grabbed the link from AintItCool before my proxy jumped me. So i cant post a link right now, but head over to their rooster teeth site and i'm sure they'll help you out.

Its pretty funny as usual, I like these guys humor and am thoroughly enjoying the fourth series of Red Vs Blue at the moment. The highlight of this episode of PANICS has to be when the guy gets dragged off by a ghost, getting interrupted when trying to say Dinner Fork. Its comes out better...

Electronic Arts Say: X05 IS A BIGGIE

We've just heard that EA are working on 20 (ish) titles for the XBox 360, and we are to learn what at least some of these are going to be at X05 - scheduled in the coming weeks.
Personally I am hoping to see another Burnout, after all Revenge looked superb on the XBox. After my initial 4 hour stint followed by slight despair, (which I soon got over after picking up the pad again) I can say I am positively hooked. I remember Criterion are also bringing their FPS to the regular XBox next year, i wonder what else they have cooking.

You can be some of the titles will be the regular sports games, Tiger Woods, Fifa, NBA etc.
However I do wonder if there's something else stirring... another James Bond game I hope, maybe a Free Radical (*cough* make them do a bond game *cough*) game - timesplitters. Actually if Free Radical were to make another Second Sight it would make me happy. I really liked that game and i believe it never got the attention it deserved from gamers... some online action would be cool.

Either way more games = more fun.
X05 is bringing some hot stuff our way, EA, Perfect Dark, all i wanna see now is the official announcment of another Fusion Frenzy, Kung Fu Chaos and maybe some new Mashed iteration. And hey if Rare's listening - Killer Instinct 3 would be nice!

Excuses To Go To America: Star Quality

Gutted.
That is the feeling this morning as i read articles about how fans screamed out MA-RI-OOO at the gaming legend himself, Shigeru Miyamoto. About how they swarmed the newly relaunched Nintendo Store in New York, clammering for autographs and wedding proposals.

We're not sure if this is the Nintendo store. It could be the Nintendo boat.

He is definately a person i would like to meet, even if he wouldnt be able to understand me. He spoke about why Nintendogs came about, how Nintencats is a possibility, whats to come with the Revolution controller. One thing i did like reading was the little snippit of information on Smash Brothers Revolution - they're adding MANY MORE CHARACTERS. This is fantastic news, i really liked the impact the unlockable characters had last time in the game. Younger gamers became aware of Ness and characters of old like those of Fire Emblem. This even led to the westernisation of some older games, though i cant remember if the GBA Mother games where on of these. So who could they have this time? Will they be able to nab some characters from Namco or Capcom? Unlikely but hey!

Anyway veering of topic slightly. Star Quality.
I like seeing stars, not the kind when you've walked into a lamp post but the kind that has earned your own personal respect for reasons know only to you. Miyamoto for example, i respect him for his immense contribution to the videogaming world, without him things would be very different. I respect Michael J Fox, the very first actor I watched in a film, Back To The Future, I respected him long before the second film of the series came out. Watched him through many other films and most significantly Spin City (another New York connection) before he announced he was diagnosed with Parkinsons.

I find that most people I would like to stalk end up being in America, at least thats where they are when our attention is brought to them. America attracts a lot of stars, it always has and this is why we have another excuse to go to America. Thing is, with me reiterating my intention of stalking i'm not sure they will let me in...

Origen: Of Rabbits And Men

The site is getting hammered right now and its taking forever for things to load, but its getting there. The unveiling of Microsofts newest viral marketing site is underway and all i can see is rabbits running in wheels and on thorns and things. Then scary music appeared with that dam tree and i think i chose my country by clicking on a British flag.
This best be worth my efforts Microsoft!

-- UPDATE
Looks like a place where you can enter competitions, listen to scary gamers rant about how good the xbox is on their fansites, as feed a rabbit halucenagenic fruit. Which is the only interesting thing about the site.

Oh, apart from getting that rabbit high, i managed to enter a competition to go to Origen. I dont know where that is but it sounds fun and if they have XBox 360's there it will be the best.
Wonder if this is Microsoft's effort at their own pet simulator?

Nintendogs: Starting From Scratch

Now THATS HUMOR for you!

Whats this all about you say? Well its all about a Labrador - Marty, my Nintendog. I've had Nintendogs for nearly a month now, but it got a bit out of hand and everyone started training old Toby, kevin went and gave it bloody pink ribbons (i dont mean blood pink) and it didnt feel like he was mine anymore. So bye Toby, the game got reset.

In comes Marty, far more interesting and obedient, plus i get to shout MARTY at my DS like Doc in Back to the Future. I cant tell you how amazing Nintendogs is, its just great. I've only just got back from a tiring walk with Marty, and what japes we had. He got a bit leary after eating out of some trash and proceded to piss all over someones pavement, THEN he found me a disposable camera! It was broken but i didnt care. He then had a fight with some chihuahahaahahha thing that actually managed to knock him over, i dont get how. His owner Ann gave me some advice and ran off. Anyway we got back home, chilled out and i gave him a good shampooing, he's just messing about with a rubber bone i got him right now.

This little bugger really winds you and your dog up, unless you outwit him and actually choose him as your dog. DONT LET HIM WIN

The game really succeeds in immersing you, for unknown amounts of time you will happily speak words of wisdom to your new pet and teach him the ways of the world. So far i've tought Marty how to sit, play dead, roll over, lie down and do some other amazing things. The two highlights are wiggling his arse at me and dabbling with the space time continuum.

YES MY MARTY CAN TRAVEL INTO THE PAST

By simply saying "Bless You" he sneezes. Thus proving that time travel IS possible.
This game rocks.

I now intend to get Marty a new collar and train him up for some competitions, you can enter him into obedience, agility and disc competitions. I assume you can get money from this because i want to upgrade my pad. Never realised i could make money out of a dog before.
Its out next week in the UK, October 7th - you'd be crazy to miss out. I am looking forward to meeting you all down the park, so get outside and switch on BARK MODE!

Apparently many amusing journalists and bloggers have said this game really "gets you in with the ladies" before inappropriately winking at you. However i am yet to discover the truth behind this. I can imagine this comes from the same people that think bluetooth headsets are "street". God bless you all.

Perfect Dark Zero Footage Appears AND I CANT SEE IT

Dam work, dam proxies, dam dam dam.
Apparently team xbox has a handful of clips from Perfect Dark Zero showing it off in its full glory, i am stuck in work behind a proxy which bans these clips under the section "entertainment".
Remember kids, your not supposed to be entertained at work.
Bastardos.

Man Who Claims To Be A Gaming Journalist Attacks GOOD GAMES

What is wrong with people?
Does the power go to a persons head when they get a column writing for a semi interesting newspaper?
Do they think in order to keep "fresh" and "with it" they have to slag off GOOD GAMES?

God knows, and we dont really care but this just takes the piss. He slags off MARIO 64, San Andreas, Halo, Black And White before letting other people in the talkback agree and slag off others. He constantly refers to them as overrated. OH MY GOD. I think Edge would have something to say about this, even if they are nonces half of the time. ( Their front covers look good though, better than the Guardian )

Oh yeah, sorry kevin but this chap's already had a go at Pro Evo 5... i think we should give Mr Howson a house call and steal his newborn. Konami if you are listening can we please have a promo copy to review PROPERLY AND WITHOUT PREJUDICE?

Games That Affect Your Life: Burnout

Right, first of all i thought i'd let you know we wanted to call this Games That Change Your Life but Burnout isnt one of those games, and this isnt that sort of feature.

How has it affected your life?
Do you drive into cars on purpose?
Have you driven up the back of a car transporter into oncoming traffic?
Have you fitted your car with an explosive just in case someone knocks you off the road?
Does your life slowdown when you crash into someone?

Well i can say that none of those things has happened to me, yet. I've been playing the Burnout games for the past year or three and they are one of the more interesting racing games available.

Burnout 4 has just come out, or Revenge as they've dropped the numbers for some anal reason. Probably so people dont keep saying EA keep releasing numerical updates of its games, whoop de do - dont listen EA, keep making money and we'll decide what we want to play.

WHEN MARKETING GOES GOOD

Anway, Burnout REVENGE. Its great - it looks better than the third ( the third was a massive step in the right direction, going back to 1 or 2 hurts my eyes ) and has some extras. Last week i got bored of it after 2 hours of play, but going back to it i've found interest again.

Its just pure enjoyment really which is what gaming is about, giggling when you take down that fast car, smashing it into a wall and watching it happen in slo mo while you whizz past. While i do find myself driving along in my ACTUAL ( NON SPORTY ) car thinking about knocking that guy off the road who's overtaking me on the bypass at 124mph. But i dont, and this is why games can affect your life, where does the game stop and where does life begin? I guess it depends on your mental health and the amount of sleep you get, and considering i've been getting up at 5.30am every day (bar sunday) i havent gone for a traffic attack...

just yet.

Man Writes Article About Something We Already Knew

Hey, apparently Nintendo "get it" - but what do they get i hear you shout?
Well according to Shawn Rider, (but not Sean Rider) Nintendo have created a new generation of gaming whereas Sony and Microsoft and merely upgrading the last.

Preaching to the converted really, thing is there is room for everyone in front of the TV, well maybe not enough room for Sony. But at least an XBox and a Revolution. Apparently deep down we all know that these new 360 games are not going to be any different. Well they are actually, they'll look different with new features and they're going to have different stories with new levels of immersion.


Given the Revolution is going to be bloody amazing, i've not felt this excited about gaming since i first picked up my NES pad. I dont see why people need to play one console, ok it can be costly but why not buy one of each? You then decide which version of the game suits your gaming style.


What is nice about the article is the little bit of history at the end and how he compares Nintendo refreshing the market with the NES to what they are doing now. It gets a bit technical after that but even though he's writing something we already know, its immensley refreshing and wonderful to read it.

Cue Shirley Bassey - "its all just a little bit of history repeating".
I've always been a fan of time travel movies. Now that Nintendo is refreshing the future we are all going to have the best trip ever...

Man Writes Flawed Article And Attacks Consoles

THIS IS HE:


Wow, he certainly doesnt look like the sort of person who would write about how great PC's are does he? GOD NO

Before we get started i need to affirm my position on PC's. I like them, i have many of them and i work with them because they make me lots of money. However what i dont do is write a crazy article where i desperately try to make out that the PC is somewhat losing its grip on gaming and then attack consoles IN THE TITLE but not talk about them very much in the article itself, and then promise that the future is bright because of a new operating system.

He starts off by stating that consoles are great for thick people who cant be arsed to fiddle about with PCs. Oh oh.

Well isnt that a shame? Whats an even bigger shame is that these "lite gamers" as Mr McKenna has decided to call them arent really missing out on much. Given Half Life 2 is a visual stunning game and wont look as good on the XBox, it will play as well and have the same storyline. I could even go on to say that Farcry IS going to be so much better on the XBox, its one of the best looking games on it, the storyline's improved and they've got new voice talent.

Back to PC's what else is there? I struggle to think of anything else. Every non "lite gamer" i know is playing warcraft. OH NO! I cant believe i am missing out on that. OH CRAP.

He then claims the only reason ATI could develop a graphics chip for the 360 is because of PC development. Duh, why else did Microsoft get ATI to make the chip and not Sainsburys?
Then he talks about Vista, the next version of the Windows OS ( which i am actually running right now, its nothing special at the moment, but underneath the slightly enhanced desktop new amazing things are ticking ) is going to boost gaming - this is the light at the end of the tunnel wooohoo. In reality many companies have gone on record saying its not going to ease development anymore and hasnt even been considered by the likes of Epic when constructing their latest Unreal Engine.

Finally he chirps on about simplicity and how people are going to come back to PC's. Well people who went away have already come back for Warcraft, you aint gonna get more numbers than you already have really. The Vista = Gaming campaign is just to get Microsoft some more revenue and will probably go into R&D for the next XBox. If you have a good game with lots of replay value people will go all out for it, and they dont need to have technical knowledge and be prepared to fiddle around with their components, everyone knows a PC geek and can get them to do it.

The PC has too many barriers to entry, they're too expensive, unreliable, technical and time consuming. A console is plug in and play, very little messing around and fun. Plus it has a better image.

So in response: PCs 0, Consoles 1: PCs can play games too

"Don't Forget Me" Screams N-Gage

I've played on an N-Gage once, it wasnt exactly thrilling as i picked up the phone console thing and attempted playing tomb raider. I'll never forget the kid that came into Game demonstrating the wonder of the N-Gage only to trip up when he showed us how to change a game. Yes you had to remove the battery thus switching your phone off.

The phone console, or phonsole as i am now going to refer to it, never really took off with people spelling doom from day 1 - it rushed out into an already dominated market with little games and wasnt the most attractive looking thing.

Nokia's "thriving" resource for the N-Gage, dubbed the Arena has tracked down five - yes FIVE fan sites and ran a little feature on them. Nokia have noticed they have fans and that at least five people have bought one of the two models of the phonsole:

"A video gaming platform is nothing without its fans. And if anyone knows this, it?s Nokia."
Oooh you so do, and your fans are so easy to keep track of, given that you cant count them all on one hand. You dont even have to shell out on a database system, just nip into tescos and get a cheap address book.
Need i say anything about this?
( NO i didnt put a question mark in there, thats actually present on their site which begs even more shoddiness )

All About N-Gage
"Spence says his favorite N-Gage games are High Seize ("the beta for that is fantastic") and the classic Snakes"
Oh GOD. I dont know or care what High Seize is, it sounds rubbish.. BUT SNAKES? YOU CAN PLAY THAT ON ANY NOKIA PHONE. Are they trying really hard to rubbish their own phonsole?

an n-gage exclusive that just happens to look like pirates! and it has a quippy name

N-Gage Gaming
"Being an English guy living in the U.S., I love the FIFA soccer series ? I miss seeing European soccer on a regular basis, so I?m always found playing as my favorite team, Liverpool."
Yes another rogue question mark adding another shoddy point to the feature. It looks like the person writing the comments hasnt heard of Fifa, and good on em. Buy a DS, get Pro Evo online and be a happier person.

N-Gage Help
This chap doesnt want to be called William for some reason and should be in the armed forces. Instead he's made a site about the N-Gage which he quotes as "a major force in the mobile gaming scene" i can only think he means a negative force.

I could go on about the others, we've got a 14 year old and a German talking about their fave games and hopelessly look forward to a Tomb Raider sequel and more sentances with random question marks. Gah.

Give up now. I got bored of counting but i think there are about 44 games out according to their site, with some confirmed release dates of October, November and March for games we dont care about. Warhammer 40k is all they have to look forward to next March. I can offer an appealing alternative to play with, Jeremy Beadle's small hand.

Sony's Trousers Fall Down Further

Nintendo are great.
Sony managed to wiggle in on Nintendo's home videogame market, but its not going to happen to their portable empire! Laughing in an attractively evil way Nintendo releases a small version of the GBA and makes Sony look silly, AND points out its making them stupid amounts of money.

Nintendo have gone on record saying the micro is the cheapest game boy to product to date! Lord knows how much money they must be making, but i would like some please. If Sony ever try to cut the price of their PSP they're gonna have a hard time seeing that they arent making much if any money now, and Nintendo can still cut their micro price (probably) by half and still make money! Now they're gonna cut the price of the DS in europe to coincide with Nintendogs which has already taken the world and me by storm. Yes its gonna be a big test over here, the PSP did sell really well and kudos points to Sony for it, but it cant last forever and sales have started to dwindle. Even a white PSP couldnt go up against a small version of a 5 year old handheld that is basically a SNES!

I love you Nintendo and so does Japan.

More Directors Series DVDs Are Coming!

IGN have just reviewed the next installments of the Directors Series DVD's.
For those who dont know the first installments were magnificent collections in big lovely boxes with booklets that had more than 50 pages in em. Each volume had a double sided disc and featured the collective works of several respected directors, Chris Cunningham, Michel Gondry and Spike Jonze. They featured all of their music videos and some shorts and documentaries and were great.

mmm dvd in box

Now in October and out of the blue come four more DVDs from Palm pictures and feature the collective works of legends Anton Corbijn, Jonathan Glazer, Mark Romanek, and Stephane Sednaoui. I'm not going to say anymore about them, i just want to own them and so do you. Go read the IGN article, if you dont want to then fine, just dont go and play Warcraft or i'll go chat up your mum.

Warcraft Sees An ARMAGEDDON

Console gamers rejoice and laugh loudy at the acronym loving warcraft players who ( over 2,000 at the time of writing ) are suffering from an in game plague.
Characters are getting killed off by a virus that has been given from something called Hakkar ( very funny blizzard, must've taken you ages to come up with something that sounds like hacker ) the God of Blood, this has been exploited by players, spread by animals and turned into milk.
We did make the milk bit up. It wouldnt be interesting otherwise.


Sounds dramatic but it isnt really, sounds like an accident but we cant confirm this and wont because we dont care. Simply sit back and as the Warcraft sheep would say " LOL " at em.

TIP: Buy a console and play PROPER GAMES
Failing that go down the pub

Excuses To Go To America: Television

They always get stuff first dont they? Well all apart from most british stuff and Battlestar Galactica last year.

BUT they've got the last laugh, they've had half of the second series of Battlestar already, we dont even know when its coming over here! But i was prepared to let that go.

LAST NIGHT THEY GOT LOST. This is a bad thing.

I dont mean every single American last night couldnt find their way home, (only half of them did) what i meant to say they got the first episode of the second series of Lost. They also get 2 series of American Dad, House, Alias aaaah god. Lost has proven itself to be a fantastic series so far with very little being revealed about very little and some information about the characters. I personally love it, but not as much as i love 24 - AND GUESS WHAT they're gonna get that before we bloody do too (15/01/06 - picking up at 7am! woohoo hmmm, the last one finished at 7am, i wonder if they'll just keep going STRAIGHT AFTER DAY 4!), but we get the last laugh - we'll get the DVD's first again, and they come in big boxes and look good on my shelf.

bauer power

Finally, they've got HDTV - which most of us couldnt really care about but it sounds better than GMTV and has something to do with the next XBox.

The Wonder Of Interoperability

NO DONT BE SCARED! WE ARE NOT GETTING TECHNICAL
This isnt a technical article meant to fry your brain, remember where you are - we are a peaceful race who like to quietly insult people who arent looking.

OK interoperability..
I bought a US DS and i love it, i wasnt one of those people who flaunted it at every moment, i showed people it sometimes and then told them to go away.
The first time i got one i thought, "well i can import US games thats good" because they tend to be cheaper - i got Nintendogs for 20 quid, including postage. Then Nintendo said, "its ok, like previous handhelds we released THIS IS MULTI REGION". This proved its worth last weekend when i got a UK copy of Mr Driller for under fifteen quid. And wow does he love to drill, just watching the little feller move like a mouse as i prod him around his mining shaft. Dont get aroused, this is innocent stuff.

BUT the main point, interoperability - NOT ONLY did Nintendo let me play games from around the world on my DS... they let me play and game with anyone from anywhere. Just confirmed today, some lad in Australia has used his bark mode with some chap who got a US copy.

GENIOUS. I hoped this would work, it worked that wonderful yet depressing night i went into Game for the launch night of the DS here and managed to talk to a greasy teen ( or is it tween? ) on his pictochat. So any machine from any country can play any game from any country with anyone who has any machine from any country with any game from any country. Makes sense? Thought not.

So the lesson of the day? BUY ANIMAL CROSSING ON DECEMBER 5TH FROM THE STATES. Dont bother waiting to play it next year and end up paying more money for it.

Microsoft Gets Sued, Giggles Like A Girl At The Playstation 3 And Wants Nintendo's Babies

They're starting to sound like Prince Phillip, soon your very own Steve Ballmer or Peter Moore will be available in the shops, a fifteenth of their original size complete with pull cords that create outrage and gasping. Apparently a second wave is due with a J Allard complete with your own matching jewelry.

Why is this?
Well it seems in the last couple of weeks we've heard Ballmer threating to f**king kill google for stealing staff, but thats nothing really, they've made an arse of themselves again by getting sued over packaging - but more on that soon.

What has been keeping them really busy is how to set themselves in the gamer's eye, which is laughing at Sony basically trying to show the Playstation 3 is pre rendered rubbish or ducks in a bath, and that they too believe in gaming revolutions, but not simple ones.

Microsoft wants more people to play, just in a more difficult fashion. Sort of like going to war with another country really, if Microsoft were the recruiter they'd give you a gun that could shoot twenty men, do up your flies and whistle the A-Team tune, BUT the gun would more than likely be too heavy to lift.

Nintendo would simply give you a nuke with a big red button on it that says push.

HOWEVER coming back to the packaging thing, i have weaknesses which Microsoft are about to capitalise on, i love games and i also love special tins. Halo 2, Doom 3, Unreal Championship and my copy of Splinter Cell 3 i got specially from the states PURELY BECAUSE ITS IN A SHINY TIN. Am i weird? I dont care.

Where am i going with this? Early October, (i forget the date) is X05 - Perfect Dark is headlining the event apparently and they're releasing a sexy tin version with extras. There's promise of more of this in the future too, no doubt we'll see a twenty disc edition of Halo 3 come next year.

Perfect Dark is a story in itself, you all know it - 5 years ago it was my 18th birthday on the 28th of June 2000 i went to the store i worked in, Electronics Boutique in Luton and LEGALLY bought Perfect Dark for the N64. It was the follow up to Goldeneye, developed by Rare who have lost their glowing aura since their Starfox attempt on the cube and their subsequent purchase from Microsoft. Conker was good on the XBox but now i await their true test... can they beat their own work now they have all the money in the world behind them? With a powerful console to develop for, even though they've lost most of the people that developed the N64 beauty? OR WILL KAMEO BE BETTER?

I dunno and until november I wont, so right now i intend to get my Animal Crossing village out of disrepair this weekend and teach my new Nintendog "Marty" some more tricks.

God i love tins.

Stupid Person Asks For Help With PC AFTER Screwing It Up

I can only imagine that this person either
a) Is a stubborn fool and doesnt like asking for help
b) Doesnt know what he has bought and just really wanted to play bloody World of Warcraft no matter what the expense
3) Is American

Revolution Rumor Mill Still In Business

Even though we've found out what was so incredibly special about the controller theres stuff we still dont know, and much to Nintendo's glee we are going to be talking about it for far too long again. That is until they find another appropriate time to release some information. All i want to see now is the games, what does Smash Bros. look like and how does it use the controller?

So what could possibly keep the rumor mill churning?

Today its the Revolution Specs - graphics hounds and people with thick lensed glasses will all be interested, I just want to wave my Nintendo remote around and do stuff.

Microsoft Thwart The Doubters

Ooooh, seems a video has been "leaked" containing some shakey cam footage of a 360 production line and some people testing ACTUAL 360 games!
Is this proof that production has finally started? Spong thought otherwise, but they arent right all the time.
Wonderful stuff, only thing is i cant watch it while at work because of some stoopid enforced proxy.

However i could see this hilarious set of pictures from an XBox "180" plant!
They're great and feature pictures of depressed people ready for suicide, just look at picture 12 - they put a hot girl in the factory for a day while they took the pictures and accidentally put a jealous, bitter old slag in the background!

No wonder an xbox cost so much to make!
He doesnt look like an underpaid chinese person
He looks more like that guy who used to talk a lot alongside Dominic Diamond on GamesMaster

the quiet before the storm

this year's summer lull in the videogame calendar seems to be about to end, with the unleashing of burnout4 next week, even the release of sony's playstation pocket has barely inspired a jot of excitement.

but the summer lull of 2005 will go down as a legendary respite, it might be going unoticed now, but i fear the videogame community has just been split into two factions, maybe three. when i speak to my gamer-friends now, and pose the question, 'what have you been playing?' more than not i get one of two responses.

"oh man, i've been playing warcraft, it's amazing"
these people are idiots, they talk about cloths, selling gold on ebay, and mounts. they seem to have no shame when they talk in normal social circles about guilds, learning alchemy, or riding the zeppelin. people who were staunch console gamers have buckled under the pressure, forked out fortunes for capable computers when they should have started saving for their revolutions

"nothing really, i'm just playing pro evo"
these people are the salt of the earth, they're working on a skill, a craft that will serve them well for decades. warcraft characters will come and go, but konami will always make a new pro evo. new people have turned to the game, tournaments have been played and won, master leagues have been mastered, and six stars have been conquered.

and other people say things like, 'oh i'm just waiting for my 360' or 'i've been drawing willies on pictochat' but these people are unimportant.

and thus the summer of 05 might mark the start of a civil war withing the gaming community, i already have started walking off when people start discussing their blue items, soon i imagine i'll try to pretend i don't know them in front of girls.

but then it might just be forgotten once the 360 arrives, and we all start playing gotham again.

Stupid Local Americans Fall At Sonys Feet

AN EXAMPLE OF A STUPID LOCAL AMERICAN

I couldnt believe this article when i read it:

Michigan Live "Playstation Portable has changed the video industry"

Personally i know a handfull of people who own a PSP, some have owned it since it came out in Japan, some the US, some the UK.
The Jap ones are bored or broken, the US ones similarly and the UK ones are slowly dwindling.
A couple of people play them on the move, on the train and strangely as iPod replacements... possibly justifying its use. But it doesnt seem to fufill its portable premise... which is one of the reasons i generally dont get the PSP, i understand the cool factor and why this makes people want it, (myself excluded) but i dont get the console. Its PS2, but smaller, with some extra features. Industry changing?

So how has it achieved this? Lets quote Michigan Live..

" Gamers and geeks have used many words to describe the hottest gadget of 2005. Just don't call it a toy."
Fair enough, i cant argue with that, it has little competition - in my opinion the DS should be, but i'll let that slip to hottest gadget of 2004 - thats when most people who really wanted one had one.

"In a move that will forever change the industry, PSP packs its own hard drive and more extra features than you can shake a Game Boy at."
HARD DRIVE? Which model did you buy? The one that looks like an iPod? Oh wait, that WAS an iPod.

"I never recommend it as a kid's toy; it's basically a laptop," said Jason Hamilton, store director at Game Crazy, 1190 N. West Ave
WHAT? HOW IS IT A LAPTOP? I CANT FIT A LAPTOP IN MY POCKET AND I CANT USE BITTORRENT ON MY PSP. Jason Hamilton is basically an idiot and should be banned from working in retail. Or anywhere. He should be homeless.

They go on to say how Sony has changed the paradigm for entertainment bla bla, accusing the DS of being a GameBoy spinoff and how many americans call the PSP portable because they can fit it inside their own belly buttons.

"But Game Boy (and largely Nintendo, itself) has survived by targeting children and tweens. And as the first generation raised on video games comes of age, Sony realized the potential of its more sophisticated tastes and deeper pockets."
GAH! ANGER ME MORE. OK i'm not going to state the obvious here, yes Nintendo has targetted kids and "tweens" (a term i havent heard before today, i think michigan made it up, but i will copyright it) BUT I AM 23. Maybe i am a tween or a kid.
But Sony will say they realised sophisticated tastes, however they really targetted generation neXt, a load of people who have too much money or stupid parents that want to shut their GTA loving children up.

Now i may come across as a PSP hater. I dont hate it, it has its merits. I just dont agree with everyone else on where it stands, its nothing revolutionary. It basically a palmtop without a touch screen and a small DVD drive in its place. Ooops, i just called it a laptop.

OK i could go on all day quoting the article and ripping it apart, i am not going to. I am however going to justify the title of this post by quoting the final statement:

"But is the PSP too advanced?"

"It took about four days before I realized there was a thumbstick," Faulks said of the miniature gray joystick below the directional pad. "I thought it was a speaker cover."

AHAHAAHHAAH!
Stupid Local Americans.

--UPDATE--

Glancing this time at the site i stole that picture of a stupid american from, i noticed more stupidity with someone asking the following question on his talkback:

"where can i buy a usb port for my psp?"

Do people even deserve these consoles?
For more hilarity, read his PSP manual
I dont even know now why Sony bothered putting one in with the console when you have this

Konami pulls its own Revolution - Part Two

Everyone looks at Hideous, who has been standing there for the last 23 minutes grinning at everyone in silence...

Small idiotic japanese software team leader decides to break the silence, "Mr Hideous, this is nothing revolutionary, we need to increase our dwindling japanese market sales and find a way of letting old gamers back in"

Hideous continues to smile, "Have no fear, for while i believe old people will want to play as an old person i have created Metal Gear Solid 4 with them in mind.."
Small idiotic japanese software team leader interrupts "But you havent considered the people who used to play our Metal Gear NES games"

Silence

For the first time in this chance meeting Hideous looks slightly angry at the small mans mistrust and contraversial choice of words

He clears his throat "I have indeed thought about these people during the production of Metal Gear Acid 2, remember the viewfinders you used to look through at photos of popular cartoon characters and schoolgirls underwear?"

He reaches into both of his pockets, pulls out a folded piece of cardboard and a PSP from his larger cargo pocket


"Look" he exclaims "It will remind these players of their past gaming and fun experiences and allow them to discover a new way of viewing games on the move!"

Small idiotic japanese software team leader picks his jaw up from the ground, "Mr Hideous you are banned from hanging around with Mr Miyamoto, no more drunked dance dance revolution for you"

Konami pulls its own Revolution

Nintendo wants to get people of all ages interested in gaming again.
Konami thinks, "hmmmm how can we appeal to old people AND maintain our beloved franchises?"
..
....
......
Hideous Kojima enters the room
"hello chaps, sorry i'm late but i've just been putting the finishing touches on a game of mine"

Small idiotic japanese software team leader says "excellent is this a new EyeToy enema game for old people?"

Hideous grins at small mans stupidity "No lads" he says smugly, "This is Metal Gear Solid 4"